The Two Years of Silence

I haven't written in two years...

TWO YEARS.

I swear it didn't seem very that long. I have been struggling with depression, self-harm, and roller coaster of emotion.

I pretty much went crazy. Grief does that to your heart.
How do you live knowing that the person you spend everyday with for the last 15 months is no longer on earth?


So here's a list of the things that I learnt NOT to do when you are grieving so you don't turn insane like I did.

Not taking time to grief properly. I blame Asian genetics that my automatic response was the more I work the more I can "get over it". Bahaha. I took over a big chunk of my Dad's business a couple of weeks after he passed away and it was a BIG job. The pressure was insane! And no, I did not forget. I spend my days in meetings and my nights wetting my pillow in tears. A couple of month in I started cutting myself again. NOT a pretty or a smart move.

Not getting help.  Grief and major loss is real and getting help doesn't make anyone a psycho (admit it, at that point I was already a psycho). The fact that I have a master in Psychology *snort laugh* doesn't help because I feel like I know this. NO I DO NOT. I end up reaching out to a friend, in tears, saying that "I need help. I need to see someone!" and they made it happen. I am still seeing someone up until today. It's a journey. We need to allow ourselves time to heal.

The Happy-Sad Rollercoaster. After Andrew passed away, I got engaged and got married in 11 months. I met my husband through Andrew. You know the worst thing people have said to me? "Everything happens for a reason. You should be happy now". I was happy, but all of those happiness was laced with guilt. I felt guilty that I lived. I felt guilty that I was happy. As if I am trading the life of my brother for a husband. I'm not. And it took time to accept that it wasn't a like that. That my husband was not a "silver lining", but that God and His sovereignty just allow it to happen that way. Maybe God knew I needed and extra pair of arms to hold me during that time.


So I'm gonna start back. I'm gonna do what I love to do: write. And it will be sporadic as I am catching up on what I have learnt in the past two years. Gonna be fun!

Deafening Silence

People say that grief works like waves - and I will vouch for that.

For the past month everything subsides - the condolences, the crying, the pat-on-the-back and endless admin works regarding his death.

Everything went back to normal.

And people start giving me space and so-called "me time"

For 15 months and more I was driving life on fifth-gear, and now the engine is about to combust.

I thought: ah finally.

Then silence hits me.

This deafening, loud silence that wash me over with unaccounted grief that I did not know existed.

Who knew silence can be so hard?

All the little things reminds me of him. I close my eyes to sleep and the movie reel starts. 

Silence use to be my friend  - that now I loathe.

Oh all the bottlenecked emotions and its glory! -and if they say it gets easier, punch them in the face.

I am learning to befriend silence once more; since in it I found Him - the One that gives me peace.

Distractions are needed but never to distract us from the One who made us who we are. 

So here I am now, trying to collect all the guts to face silence and all the voices it bring. Instead of fighting it; I'll allow it to wash over me.

Slowly.

Gently.

And I will take all the sweet time I needed. In silence.

What If There Is No Teddy Bear?

A while ago, me and a bunch of friends were discussing about God's promises and His faithfulness. A friend was putting out this picture as a reference:

She was saying that God always has better and bigger things if something was taken from you. You just need to surrender.

This picture left me thinking of what I have been through my whole life: my parents' divorce, my dad's bankruptcy  my little brother's cancer (and death), and all kinds of drama that follows.

Do I think that God is good? Without a doubt!

Line of questions pop into my head: 

What if there's no teddy bear?

What if there is no bigger, grand-er things for me?

What if I lost what I lost and that is it?

And another question come running in:

Isn't Jesus enough?

I don't want to be the girl who said "but I like it God".

I wanna be Zaccheus who have no attachement to what he owns because he have Jesus in His house.

Because Jesus is enough, isn't Him?

His grace, mercy, and forgiveness abound for us regardless our mistake and our foolishness.

Oh, my friend, He is more than enough.

Jesus is your reward; here and in heaven.

Nothing else matter; nothing in this world will do.

Hurricanes

We said "see you later" to my little brother when we went home to Jesus on May 31st, 2015. 

Fifteen months.

Fifteen months of stupid cancer but also a lot of grace. Fifteen months of meeting new friends, moving countries, fervently praying, growing faith and relying on God's grace.

I thought I would lost it. I really did. 

I thought grief would overwhelm me; but the truth is guilt cuts me deeper.

The should haves and the what ifs.

The doubt if we have done our best for him and have we gave it all. 

I stand in front of his casket, putting my hands on his cold chest, asking him over and over if he was happy.

Are you satisfied with your care?
Have I done my best as your sister? Have I laid it all for you?
Do you feel loved by me? Do you know that I loved you?

The time that we miss the most is the time that we never have. I am greedy; I want more time. So much more time.

I planned for his future. We were being diligent with the funding that we have because we want him to have a future; to have a start-up for his new beginning. We have talked and smooth out all our plan.

Guilt and regrets paralyse you in the worst way possible; but grace keeps you afloat.


You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. - Psalm 136:19 (NLT)

Ordained.

Jesus knew. He knew every decisions. Every turns. Every steps that we will take and He knew our mistakes and flaws and He sees us. Everything was laid out and He said that it was good. It was good on His terms. He has forgiven us and redeemed us anyway.

And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then he said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true." - Revelation 21:5

We won either way. He has made everything in new. On earth as it is in heaven.

When chaos twirls around you like a hurricane, the best, most quiet place is in the centre - the eye of the storm. We can't escape hurricanes in life, but we can choose to cling and point our view to the centre of it: Jesus.

That regardless how it looks like; He is in control.

That He is good.

That everything has been ordained by Him

Doing Life With Open Hands

Your Grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hand
-Majesty; Hillsong & Delirious!-


Nine months after Andrew's bone marrow transplant, and fourteen months after the initial diagnosis. High and lows, storms and shades have come our ways. We pray fervently and kick worry on its teeth with our thanksgiving.

He is the peace in our troubled sea.

Fear scattered in every way, cutting our hearts and faith with its shrapnels and debris. I learned very quickly that what we hold dear in life can be lost in seconds.

We pray for good reports; and we received confirmation of cancer
We pray for an "easy" type of cancer, Andrew got the worst kind
We pray for chemo only, Andrew needed a transplant
We pray for financial support, our insurances refuse to pay

We pray for a donor match; and I am a MATCH!

Can You Come Over and Hug Me?

Life can be tough sometimes. The worst part of being in a storm is thinking if these waves ever gonna stop-you can feel it up your nose and in your mouth (figuratively speaking, of course).

That is how I felt last night - a wash of exhaustion, inadequacy, and feeling unloved - whirled into a space between my head and my heart and it stayed there.

The funny thing is my prayer was not for fixing. Heck, I didn't even pray for someone to save me.

I was praying for someone to hug me.

Because crap happens and life happens and you know that until we come back home to our Father's arm; it's a freakin' battlefield.

Too Much and Still Not Enough

The first five years of my life was very normal. Happy, even. There were lots of holding hands, hugs, kisses, and "I love you"s

Then it went downhill (which is okay, I'm not gonna fret about that)

When I was around 16 years of age, my youth leader gave us a challenge to tell our parents the three sacred words:

Questioning Faith

This week is Easter week and I strongly feel the urge to write about this.

Since I met (and fall in love) with Jesus in the age of 13, Easter has always been my favourite time of the year - a week smothered in His extravagant love and grace.

I grew up in a Christian home and I do love Jesus wholeheartedly. When Andrew was diagnosed with AML, one of the questions that people asked me was this: How can you still believe in God when this happens to your brother?

Shifting Our Gaze

Hey. 

This week is probably my favourite week in the entire year: Easter Week.

Last week I got a long, long text from some people... warning me about how "Easter" is a pagan word and how we are not supposed to say "Happy Easter" but "Happy Passover"

And that chocolate eggs should be scorned upon (or probably killed with fiyah or something)

Really?

Firstly, I am a big believer that any chocolates you eat on Easter is calorie-free, since Jesus has died for us (and I will get stoned to death because of this sentence. Haha).

Thirty Seconds of Happy

Internet in China sucks. Plain sucks.

If you are brave enough, double it up with Indo/Sydney's "borderline-disorder-maniac internet" then you will understand why I screamed "THISSSSS SUCCCCKSSSSS!!!! YOU SUCCCCCCK" to my iPhone repeatedly. Every. Single. Day.

Followed by curling up in foetal position while mumbling slowly .... I gave up you stupid internet.

I feel bad for my iPhone. I am sure Steve Jobs will smack me from the grave if he can.

We develop this new habit of saying everything you wanna say before the phone died. On a bad day, we get around 30 seconds before the line dropped (and the screaming cycle began).

So we just crammed everything we want to say in that 30 seconds.

Here are some of the stuff we have said:

I LOVE YOU (yelling it out)
Enjoy dinner!
I hate internet!
I'm thinking about you 31/7 (inside joke, sorry)
You are the hottest thing I have ever seen (yep)
Drive safe!
Try again tomorrow.
I MISS YOU
I FREAKIN' LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing is, after all the iPhone-screaming and foetal-position-weeping I almost always have a smile on my face.

30 seconds of kindness.
of encouragement.
and so much missing and loving crammed into such a little space of time

I love our "30 seconds" because it reminds me of the important things. If you only have so little time, you rarely fill it with nonsense or fights or unkind words.

Those 30 seconds reminded me of all things that ring true and lovely about the person that I hold so dearly close to my heart.

The Last Hurdle

The last hurdle is the hardest.

That 30 minutes of trying to get all kids in bed.

The last 2 minutes of waiting for that oven to ding.

The last miles on that 10k run

And for me, the last 60 days (hopefully) of being in Chi-land.

Different Kinds Of Grace

Along the my news feed I found a “new” topic that spark something in my heart: singleness. Yes I have been single for a long time and I can feel the “awww you poor thing” in people’s eyes when I said that I am actually quite happy.

As if I am in denial.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I have seen bad things. Tears, fights, and prides being torn or misused as weapons. I have heard things I shouldn’t have.

When I was 16 years old, after testifying in court for my parents’ divorce, I said: I do not want to get married.

She.

I love the way she survived.

Survival looked good on her.

There were no dark marks under her eyes.

Maybe deep inside, but I liked the ways she looked through them and laughed at life.

She did it gracefully.

She'd walk over glass and through fire, but still smiled.

And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times.

Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything.

I trust those people, because they stand for something.

I knew what she had been through.

I wanted to thank her for surviving.

And her to know she now had someone willing to stand with her too.

J.Raymond

Behind the Curtain

Everyone have secrets. 

We all have that locked rooms and all the stuff that we hid from the sight of others, because we crave for their approvals, because we feel dirty.

But that secret room linger.

No matter how many times we threw away the keys, It will always come back to us. Always. 

We found triggers and hurt and pain that will bring us back in that secret rooms.

We knew it was wrong, all the secrets and the pain that we keep.... and how they demand to be heard... and we are struggling to keep them contained.... the seeping sickly smell that ooze through that secret room.

Cartwheels of Joy

So yesterday, everything that can go wrong went wrong. I did a truckload of laundry the night before and in the morning I found out that my washing machine broke. Everything was wet and soggy already so I have to hand-washed them, while it’s freezing cold, in my bathroom sink. And of course my bathroom sink somehow managed to get clogged afterwards. My dad called early in the morning while I was about to work out so my morning routine was frazzled (and on some days you cling to routine like a life line). 

To top it all off, when I finally sat down I found out that my amazing sweater (that I got two days ago, reduced from $50 to $12, hug me like a boyfriend) have ripped along the sleeves. 

And I spill tea all over me.

Huzzah. The story of my life.

Though the cherry trees don't blossom and the strawberries don't ripen, Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted, Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty,  I'm singing joyful praise to God. I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Saviour God. Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I'm king of the mountain! (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

It might not be cheery trees or unripe strawberry or lost sheep, but I think what Habakkuk is trying to say is when EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. This is my version of the verse:

Though the oven smelled funny and the washing machine throws tantrums,

Though the hot water bottle explodes (it happens, I’m dead serious) or you forgot to buy carrots for dinner and its 4 degrees outside and your dish really, REALLY need carrot,

Though my favourite sweatshirt ripped and half of the socks are mismatched

Though I burnt the rice and forgot to plug in the water heater before I shower

I am singing joyful praise to the Lord!

Trust me, I didn’t feel like cartwheels of joy. At all. Or singing…and I LOVE singing. You know what I do feel like?

Curling up and forget everything ever happened. Oh the joy of denial!

The thing is, what we do sometimes doesn’t necessary need to correlates with how we feels. Late last year, I was having a very low point, emotionally and spiritually. I was tired and whiny. So I decide to run. I started running 2k a day (and now I am on 5k mark) not because I wanna get skinny; but because I need the freakin’ ENDORPHINS! If you sow energy you will reap energy.

Cartwheels of joy is NOT the result of how you feel; it is RE-FRAMING your feeling with your action. You sing worship songs not because you are happy but because it lift up your spirit.

So when it comes to the choice between flying of the handles or stop, take a deep breath and do "cartwheels of joy" when EVERYTHING seems wrong... try to make good decision ;) Heck I don't get it right sometimes but we try, and fail, and try and fail better.

auds xx

Grace Upon Grace

I hear the term “from glory to glory” too many times growing up. We are forced to dream big and strive for them. Anything that is less then bold or courageous was deemed unworthy. 

Growing up, this dreams have morphed into an ambition; twisted and tangled into a big pile of mess called life. We were wrapped in the comparison trap, our eyes linger upon other people successes.

"Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom; in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth without knowing whose it will finally be” -Psalm 39:6

The over-glorification of busy and the adrenaline-pumping rush have taken our days. We are swirled in a vortex of “doing more”. 

What’s the point?

I was watching a drama comedy/chick-flick movie called Two Nights Stand (Seems like a good idea for a lazy winter night. Don’t judge). In a scene, the girl was explaining that she ended up in the big city because she was following the love of her life. She took med school, graduated and that “love of her life” cheated on her. She was telling her story of how she didn’t want to be a doctor, or an accountant, or a lawyer.

She wants to be a wife. A mother.

And how everyone was looking at her weirdly every time she utters this dreams.

What if our dreams are not complex and sophisticated? What if it wasn’t glorious but it was graceful? A faithful, simple life with breathing spaces and dirty fingers. Simple is not boring. There’s a certain strength in the mundane of life; a life that is led by grace upon grace.

What if our blueprint wasn’t meant for fame? What if our life was meant to be a piece of wood in Chris’s cradle? Or a stick in Moses’ hands? Or one of that five loaves of bread that end up being unseen in the midst of the greatest miracle in the history of gastronomy? Some of us are not built as a chandelier in the palace. But that palace can’t be build without that simple, boring building blocks that stands through the ages. 

We are all made for a purpose; and comparing that purpose will result in insecurity and self-pity. We are build for HIM; the God that treat the prostitute as kindly as He treated His disciples. A God who sees us and loves us because we are His. The One who says “come” to the overlooked and the overburdened.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30

How on earth do we miss this? We strain our heart and strength while we were built to life in rest. In the unforced rhythms of grace.

Simplify, dear heart (and my over-worrying brain), and find rest in Him. This is what we are built for.

How to Be Kind When You're Hurting

Kindness is hard on normal life, and it's even harder to do when you are going through the valley. Kindness requires you to look outside your misery and troubles and put "a good thing" in someone's life.

But how can you give away a good thing when everything in you is hollow and painful? How can you spare a moment of kindness when you yourself are struggling to catch your breath?

Our natural tendency as a human being is to communicate our heart as best as we can. That is why when we are hurting everything that ooze out from us is crass and sarcastic. We simply want to communicate our hurt. Garbage in, garbage out.

The thing is we tend to hurt people when we are hurting, because we want them to feel our pain!

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin. (Hebrew 4:5)

If there'a anyone who can be deemed as a "master of the valleys", Jesus would definitely fit the category. He has been betrayed, left alone, cursed, misunderstood and well, crucified. Yet, He is the kindest human being who have ever walked on earth. 

It's not about HOW we communicate our hurt, it's WHO we communicate our hurt TO. We tried to fix our "means of communication" and our "conflict resolution" technique and yet we still end up hurting (ourselves and each other).

One of those days Jesus went to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God (Luke 6:12)

Apparently Jesus also have "one of those days"! One of those days, when everything goes wrong. One of those days when people hurt you, or when sorrows suffocates you. 

He choose to spend the night praying to God.

God is the only one that can take our hurt, our pain and our tears. He is big enough, strong enough and gentle enough to bear our burden and suffering.... Cast your worries to Him because He cares (1 Peter 5:7)

The only way you can be kind to people is when you give all your hurt to God

When you give all your hurt to God, He will fill you with His goodness and kindness... and that my friend is the only way we can be kind to other human being.

Detours and Rain and Loss

Your story isn’t calm.

The road has been chaotic at times, filled with detours and rain and loss so sudden and soon.

Sometimes the bliss was so elevated your heart could hardly hold it.

Sometimes it was maddening to have, and then to lose.

You learn soon enough that it hardly ever goes as planned

– gentle, easy, and smooth.

But that my friend is what makes us fascinating.

You have something to tell

Something you’ve walked through.

Something wild.

Something courageous.

Something true.

You are made of stories within stories within even more stories.

Those quiet depths you.

-Victoria Erickson-

Happiness is A Scary, Scary Thing

I have been going through life hurt and battered. I’m so used to bad news and crying through the night. Battlefield doesn’t scare me. Valleys are not my enemies. I have been through them and I expected many, many more of them in years to come.

You know what I didn’t expect? Good things. 

Something good happened to me; and it scares the heck out of me. I have always been enamoured by grace and God’s goodness, but this…. this, my friend, is something else.

Sometimes you see something good happens to other people and you are happy for them and this little thought of lies creep into your head.

They deserve that. I don’t.

Good things scares me. Happy heart is a very vulnerable heart, because the thing that makes you happy can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. Losing an arm is easier when you are born with it. You can’t miss what you don’t have. 

Being happy require boldness and bravery. Happy for me is like putting your heart outside your body, which means you are so vulnerable to have your heart broken.

It’s so much easier to be a skeptic, a cynic, or a pessimist. Every relationship has its risk. Every friendship, every hugs and every kisses. Being rejected make sense more than being loved. We are all very familiar with our flaws, but not with our worthiness to be loved.

The truth, however, is an entirely different story.

So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.

We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

(Romans 8:31-39)

Jesus loves us….and He knows our curves and our flaws and our edges. Yeah, yeah…. You might be saying “but that’s Jesus! He is perfect. Of course He loves me!” Why is it so hard for us to believe that other flawed human being can love our flawed self? Maybe not as perfect as how Jesus loves us -which is why He should always be our primary source of love- but sweetheart, maybe having your heart pulsing outside your body is not a bad thing.!

Our hearts are born wild, that is why our ribs are cages. Our hearts are meant to roam free. Yes, sometimes it will be smushed and broken and tattered but the journey would be oh so worth it…. and maybe one day, one glorious day, we will find another heart that beats wild and true like ours.

A heart that was meant run with ours.

I'm Running Out of Ways to Cook Chicken

Seriously. I have no idea how does the mums doing it. Kudos to all the mum  of well-fed children in the world. I now understand the occasional temptation of calling fish sticks dinner.

Trying to come up with different sets of menu to please people everyday is hard. Cooking for a person who is undergoing chemo and stem cell transplant are pretty challenging.

The thing is... I gotta at least try to keep it healthy. The holy trinity of good food: greens, protein and complex carbs (he is losing weight way too quickly) have to somehow be intertwined within an exciting menu.

Oh and not to mention that the hospital will sanitize your food by blasting them off in a microwave for 5 minutes. Have you seen microwaved meat? Just like the witch from Snow White - shriveled, dry and pure evil.

There are a couple of things that I learned to be very helpful. Yes, I am not a mum (yet) but you know, I found this out along the journey so I thought I'll share it. This is what I have learned so far in feeding someone who is on a mend.

1. Always have options of plain food. Saltines are your best friends. Good nuts like almonds and pistachios are plain enough for bitter mouth but give them the good fat and protein.

2. Eggs are protein that can be easily hid in stir-fry. Instead of thickening soup with cornstarch, throw an egg in. Voila.

3. Know that one or two bites is still ok. In a sense, don't panic if they refuse to it. They are attached to a saline bag. Yes. Food is good but when your tummy tends to expel its content, food can be pretty traumatizing.

4. When your food is in the drain (mostly because their palate's are off or stupid nausea) know that it's not personal. It's not that your food is not good. It's just...vomit happens, okay?

5. If your hospital does have an all-hot food policy (to avoid infection) do NOT put any sugary food/nuts/stuff in the microwave. Burnt smell in your microwave is not fun.

6. When they are out of the hospital, have splurge/cheat day. Seriously. YOLO.

7. Seeds are great for hiding and adding that extra protein here and there. Sprinkle it over ice cream. They won't know (kidding)

8. Blueberry and mangoes cover all sins... I mean...greens. Seriously. They won't taste the spinach in the smoothie if you put that extra dose of blueberry in it. Promise.

9. Frozen banana whizzed with cocoa is a great ice cream replacement. Just saying.

10. If you still want to sneak in fruits and your hospital have an all-hot-food policy, stewed  fruits are great. Just make sure they don't have added preservatives and sugar in it.


That's all I learn so far. Just take it easy. 

Auds xx