Deafening Silence

People say that grief works like waves - and I will vouch for that.

For the past month everything subsides - the condolences, the crying, the pat-on-the-back and endless admin works regarding his death.

Everything went back to normal.

And people start giving me space and so-called "me time"

For 15 months and more I was driving life on fifth-gear, and now the engine is about to combust.

I thought: ah finally.

Then silence hits me.

This deafening, loud silence that wash me over with unaccounted grief that I did not know existed.

Who knew silence can be so hard?

All the little things reminds me of him. I close my eyes to sleep and the movie reel starts. 

Silence use to be my friend  - that now I loathe.

Oh all the bottlenecked emotions and its glory! -and if they say it gets easier, punch them in the face.

I am learning to befriend silence once more; since in it I found Him - the One that gives me peace.

Distractions are needed but never to distract us from the One who made us who we are. 

So here I am now, trying to collect all the guts to face silence and all the voices it bring. Instead of fighting it; I'll allow it to wash over me.

Slowly.

Gently.

And I will take all the sweet time I needed. In silence.