The Two Years of Silence

I haven't written in two years...

TWO YEARS.

I swear it didn't seem very that long. I have been struggling with depression, self-harm, and roller coaster of emotion.

I pretty much went crazy. Grief does that to your heart.
How do you live knowing that the person you spend everyday with for the last 15 months is no longer on earth?


So here's a list of the things that I learnt NOT to do when you are grieving so you don't turn insane like I did.

Not taking time to grief properly. I blame Asian genetics that my automatic response was the more I work the more I can "get over it". Bahaha. I took over a big chunk of my Dad's business a couple of weeks after he passed away and it was a BIG job. The pressure was insane! And no, I did not forget. I spend my days in meetings and my nights wetting my pillow in tears. A couple of month in I started cutting myself again. NOT a pretty or a smart move.

Not getting help.  Grief and major loss is real and getting help doesn't make anyone a psycho (admit it, at that point I was already a psycho). The fact that I have a master in Psychology *snort laugh* doesn't help because I feel like I know this. NO I DO NOT. I end up reaching out to a friend, in tears, saying that "I need help. I need to see someone!" and they made it happen. I am still seeing someone up until today. It's a journey. We need to allow ourselves time to heal.

The Happy-Sad Rollercoaster. After Andrew passed away, I got engaged and got married in 11 months. I met my husband through Andrew. You know the worst thing people have said to me? "Everything happens for a reason. You should be happy now". I was happy, but all of those happiness was laced with guilt. I felt guilty that I lived. I felt guilty that I was happy. As if I am trading the life of my brother for a husband. I'm not. And it took time to accept that it wasn't a like that. That my husband was not a "silver lining", but that God and His sovereignty just allow it to happen that way. Maybe God knew I needed and extra pair of arms to hold me during that time.


So I'm gonna start back. I'm gonna do what I love to do: write. And it will be sporadic as I am catching up on what I have learnt in the past two years. Gonna be fun!