The Last Hurdle

The last hurdle is the hardest.

That 30 minutes of trying to get all kids in bed.

The last 2 minutes of waiting for that oven to ding.

The last miles on that 10k run

And for me, the last 60 days (hopefully) of being in Chi-land.

Different Kinds Of Grace

Along the my news feed I found a “new” topic that spark something in my heart: singleness. Yes I have been single for a long time and I can feel the “awww you poor thing” in people’s eyes when I said that I am actually quite happy.

As if I am in denial.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I have seen bad things. Tears, fights, and prides being torn or misused as weapons. I have heard things I shouldn’t have.

When I was 16 years old, after testifying in court for my parents’ divorce, I said: I do not want to get married.

She.

I love the way she survived.

Survival looked good on her.

There were no dark marks under her eyes.

Maybe deep inside, but I liked the ways she looked through them and laughed at life.

She did it gracefully.

She'd walk over glass and through fire, but still smiled.

And, honestly, I'm not interested in people who haven't lived and died a few times.

Who haven't yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything.

I trust those people, because they stand for something.

I knew what she had been through.

I wanted to thank her for surviving.

And her to know she now had someone willing to stand with her too.

J.Raymond

Behind the Curtain

Everyone have secrets. 

We all have that locked rooms and all the stuff that we hid from the sight of others, because we crave for their approvals, because we feel dirty.

But that secret room linger.

No matter how many times we threw away the keys, It will always come back to us. Always. 

We found triggers and hurt and pain that will bring us back in that secret rooms.

We knew it was wrong, all the secrets and the pain that we keep.... and how they demand to be heard... and we are struggling to keep them contained.... the seeping sickly smell that ooze through that secret room.

Cartwheels of Joy

So yesterday, everything that can go wrong went wrong. I did a truckload of laundry the night before and in the morning I found out that my washing machine broke. Everything was wet and soggy already so I have to hand-washed them, while it’s freezing cold, in my bathroom sink. And of course my bathroom sink somehow managed to get clogged afterwards. My dad called early in the morning while I was about to work out so my morning routine was frazzled (and on some days you cling to routine like a life line). 

To top it all off, when I finally sat down I found out that my amazing sweater (that I got two days ago, reduced from $50 to $12, hug me like a boyfriend) have ripped along the sleeves. 

And I spill tea all over me.

Huzzah. The story of my life.

Though the cherry trees don't blossom and the strawberries don't ripen, Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted, Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty,  I'm singing joyful praise to God. I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Saviour God. Counting on God's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength. I run like a deer. I feel like I'm king of the mountain! (Habakkuk 3:17-19)

It might not be cheery trees or unripe strawberry or lost sheep, but I think what Habakkuk is trying to say is when EVERYTHING GOES WRONG. This is my version of the verse:

Though the oven smelled funny and the washing machine throws tantrums,

Though the hot water bottle explodes (it happens, I’m dead serious) or you forgot to buy carrots for dinner and its 4 degrees outside and your dish really, REALLY need carrot,

Though my favourite sweatshirt ripped and half of the socks are mismatched

Though I burnt the rice and forgot to plug in the water heater before I shower

I am singing joyful praise to the Lord!

Trust me, I didn’t feel like cartwheels of joy. At all. Or singing…and I LOVE singing. You know what I do feel like?

Curling up and forget everything ever happened. Oh the joy of denial!

The thing is, what we do sometimes doesn’t necessary need to correlates with how we feels. Late last year, I was having a very low point, emotionally and spiritually. I was tired and whiny. So I decide to run. I started running 2k a day (and now I am on 5k mark) not because I wanna get skinny; but because I need the freakin’ ENDORPHINS! If you sow energy you will reap energy.

Cartwheels of joy is NOT the result of how you feel; it is RE-FRAMING your feeling with your action. You sing worship songs not because you are happy but because it lift up your spirit.

So when it comes to the choice between flying of the handles or stop, take a deep breath and do "cartwheels of joy" when EVERYTHING seems wrong... try to make good decision ;) Heck I don't get it right sometimes but we try, and fail, and try and fail better.

auds xx