The Two Years of Silence

I haven't written in two years...

TWO YEARS.

I swear it didn't seem very that long. I have been struggling with depression, self-harm, and roller coaster of emotion.

I pretty much went crazy. Grief does that to your heart.
How do you live knowing that the person you spend everyday with for the last 15 months is no longer on earth?


So here's a list of the things that I learnt NOT to do when you are grieving so you don't turn insane like I did.

Not taking time to grief properly. I blame Asian genetics that my automatic response was the more I work the more I can "get over it". Bahaha. I took over a big chunk of my Dad's business a couple of weeks after he passed away and it was a BIG job. The pressure was insane! And no, I did not forget. I spend my days in meetings and my nights wetting my pillow in tears. A couple of month in I started cutting myself again. NOT a pretty or a smart move.

Not getting help.  Grief and major loss is real and getting help doesn't make anyone a psycho (admit it, at that point I was already a psycho). The fact that I have a master in Psychology *snort laugh* doesn't help because I feel like I know this. NO I DO NOT. I end up reaching out to a friend, in tears, saying that "I need help. I need to see someone!" and they made it happen. I am still seeing someone up until today. It's a journey. We need to allow ourselves time to heal.

The Happy-Sad Rollercoaster. After Andrew passed away, I got engaged and got married in 11 months. I met my husband through Andrew. You know the worst thing people have said to me? "Everything happens for a reason. You should be happy now". I was happy, but all of those happiness was laced with guilt. I felt guilty that I lived. I felt guilty that I was happy. As if I am trading the life of my brother for a husband. I'm not. And it took time to accept that it wasn't a like that. That my husband was not a "silver lining", but that God and His sovereignty just allow it to happen that way. Maybe God knew I needed and extra pair of arms to hold me during that time.


So I'm gonna start back. I'm gonna do what I love to do: write. And it will be sporadic as I am catching up on what I have learnt in the past two years. Gonna be fun!

Deafening Silence

People say that grief works like waves - and I will vouch for that.

For the past month everything subsides - the condolences, the crying, the pat-on-the-back and endless admin works regarding his death.

Everything went back to normal.

And people start giving me space and so-called "me time"

For 15 months and more I was driving life on fifth-gear, and now the engine is about to combust.

I thought: ah finally.

Then silence hits me.

This deafening, loud silence that wash me over with unaccounted grief that I did not know existed.

Who knew silence can be so hard?

All the little things reminds me of him. I close my eyes to sleep and the movie reel starts. 

Silence use to be my friend  - that now I loathe.

Oh all the bottlenecked emotions and its glory! -and if they say it gets easier, punch them in the face.

I am learning to befriend silence once more; since in it I found Him - the One that gives me peace.

Distractions are needed but never to distract us from the One who made us who we are. 

So here I am now, trying to collect all the guts to face silence and all the voices it bring. Instead of fighting it; I'll allow it to wash over me.

Slowly.

Gently.

And I will take all the sweet time I needed. In silence.