Deafening Silence

People say that grief works like waves - and I will vouch for that.

For the past month everything subsides - the condolences, the crying, the pat-on-the-back and endless admin works regarding his death.

Everything went back to normal.

And people start giving me space and so-called "me time"

For 15 months and more I was driving life on fifth-gear, and now the engine is about to combust.

I thought: ah finally.

Then silence hits me.

This deafening, loud silence that wash me over with unaccounted grief that I did not know existed.

Who knew silence can be so hard?

All the little things reminds me of him. I close my eyes to sleep and the movie reel starts. 

Silence use to be my friend  - that now I loathe.

Oh all the bottlenecked emotions and its glory! -and if they say it gets easier, punch them in the face.

I am learning to befriend silence once more; since in it I found Him - the One that gives me peace.

Distractions are needed but never to distract us from the One who made us who we are. 

So here I am now, trying to collect all the guts to face silence and all the voices it bring. Instead of fighting it; I'll allow it to wash over me.

Slowly.

Gently.

And I will take all the sweet time I needed. In silence.

What If There Is No Teddy Bear?

A while ago, me and a bunch of friends were discussing about God's promises and His faithfulness. A friend was putting out this picture as a reference:

She was saying that God always has better and bigger things if something was taken from you. You just need to surrender.

This picture left me thinking of what I have been through my whole life: my parents' divorce, my dad's bankruptcy  my little brother's cancer (and death), and all kinds of drama that follows.

Do I think that God is good? Without a doubt!

Line of questions pop into my head: 

What if there's no teddy bear?

What if there is no bigger, grand-er things for me?

What if I lost what I lost and that is it?

And another question come running in:

Isn't Jesus enough?

I don't want to be the girl who said "but I like it God".

I wanna be Zaccheus who have no attachement to what he owns because he have Jesus in His house.

Because Jesus is enough, isn't Him?

His grace, mercy, and forgiveness abound for us regardless our mistake and our foolishness.

Oh, my friend, He is more than enough.

Jesus is your reward; here and in heaven.

Nothing else matter; nothing in this world will do.