Fifteen months.
Fifteen months of stupid cancer but also a lot of grace. Fifteen months of meeting new friends, moving countries, fervently praying, growing faith and relying on God's grace.
I thought I would lost it. I really did.
I thought grief would overwhelm me; but the truth is guilt cuts me deeper.
The should haves and the what ifs.
The doubt if we have done our best for him and have we gave it all.
I stand in front of his casket, putting my hands on his cold chest, asking him over and over if he was happy.
Are you satisfied with your care?
Have I done my best as your sister? Have I laid it all for you?
Do you feel loved by me? Do you know that I loved you?
The time that we miss the most is the time that we never have. I am greedy; I want more time. So much more time.
I planned for his future. We were being diligent with the funding that we have because we want him to have a future; to have a start-up for his new beginning. We have talked and smooth out all our plan.
Guilt and regrets paralyse you in the worst way possible; but grace keeps you afloat.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. - Psalm 136:19 (NLT)
Ordained.
Jesus knew. He knew every decisions. Every turns. Every steps that we will take and He knew our mistakes and flaws and He sees us. Everything was laid out and He said that it was good. It was good on His terms. He has forgiven us and redeemed us anyway.
And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making everything new!" And then he said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true." - Revelation 21:5
We won either way. He has made everything in new. On earth as it is in heaven.
When chaos twirls around you like a hurricane, the best, most quiet place is in the centre - the eye of the storm. We can't escape hurricanes in life, but we can choose to cling and point our view to the centre of it: Jesus.
That regardless how it looks like; He is in control.
That He is good.
That everything has been ordained by Him